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Something to Look Forward to​.​.​.

by Derek Brink

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Oh that this too, too solid flesh would give it a rest. It's been toiling and boiling and I've been trying to tame it for days. It was a midsummer night and it was hotter than Hell. We were making much ado like we couldn't help ourselves. All's well that ends, but I couldn't help wanting to stay. For me it was mostly the wordplay. I think she just liked what she heard. I'll take the Fifth and the common clothes. It's a foregone conclusion that everybody knows. I'd trade my kingdom right now for the scent of a rose. So wherefore art thou and where the fuck am I? Friends and Romans gather near and stick it in your eye. I'm going into the breech once more and I'm just hoping to make it out alive. For me, it was usually the tragedy. I think she might prefer to laugh. She's the kind of girl that you should make up songs about, because she's the kind that you take home to keep. She's got the kind of beautiful soul that could make even an angel weep. No false pretense in her common sense there's Zinfandel right next to the beer. Lives every day in the now and here and she doesn't know shit about Shakespeare. I used to be all about one-acts. But this feels like a three-part thing. I'm the kind of guy who’s always tried to go it alone. But that's wearing thin fast and I'm getting old. If the play's the thing, then it's all played out. Even the Scottish One is due for good luck by now. I'm tired of living alone with my doubts and fears, and I don't really know shit about Shakespeare.
Don't Leave 03:08
Something's wrong. Something's gone. Seems like everything important to me was dust all along. Something's changed. Something's strange. Something broke somewhere and nothing will ever be the same. I've been left to the death so many times by now it's hardly worth catching my breath. First you're wrong then you're gone. Should've seen it coming before we even started getting along. You weave your way in and back out again. Without that thread the whole thing's incomplete. Would it make a difference to hear me say it? Then for the record, please, God, don't leave me. It's the ghost that scares me the most. The thousands of dead days that you won't be anywhere close. Sticks and stones and words have been thrown. For me it's just one more small step in the direction of dying alone. Have I ever told you how much I love you? I can't take that back. Please, God, don't leave me. I would bleed for you. I'm pleading to you. Don't turn your back. Please, God, don't leave me. If you must escape me at least please hate me. Don't make your peace. Please, God, don't leave me. Promise you'll hurt me before you desert me. Don't turn your cheek. Please, God, don't leave.
Napalm 04:12
I'm a whiskey stain on your table. A forgotten, ugly old thing. Barely even an imprint underneath fresh water rings. But there was a time you couldn't give me up. I was top-shelf stuff in a plastic cup. Now the dishes are dirty and piling up. I'm a nicotine stain on your finger. Wash up and I'll be gone. I was up in smoke by the time we spoke. I'm well aware that I was wrong. But there was a time you couldn't let me go. We were partners in crime as far as I know. And I relive it every night when the sun gets low. Lights out, here we go. It's time to start the show. I was drinking alcohol, I don't recall it all, but we watched that movie starring Robert Duvall. You were ten-feet-tall and I felt so small. And when the credits rolled, I kind of felt like crying. You fell asleep and woke up next to me. I guess you didn't care much for the movie. Even still, you knocked me off my feet. You hit me harder than napalm in the morning. I'm a fever-dream on a still night. Roll over and I'll disappear. You deserve to sleep while I'm counting sheep. You've moved on and I'm still here. But there was a time before it fell apart that I knew you better than I know my heart. Now I hardly know you at all and you've got a new start. I guess I should've seen it coming... Now you don't drink at all because your kids are so small. I bet they watch that children's' show with Shelley Duvall. There's photographs up and down your hall of your wedding and all your friends and family. You look great, you really do and your husband does too. And it's cute how you've both got the same tattoos. Could've been me and you, but what can you do? In the end it's just nice to know you're happy. I guess I should've seen it coming.
You don't seem to want to talk anymore. It's been so long since I've felt you near. I know you're a voice in the stillness, but I wish you would say something I can hear. Do you listen when I speak? Do you listen when I scream? I'm used to watching the hours tick past. But I'm just asking for one dream. Who am I to expect an answer? I know who I am. I know my place. But reminding me that I am no one does not convince me of your grace. I don't lack faith that you're out there. But in the echo I hear only my voice. And I'm afraid of why I can't hear you. Are my prayers fading from signal to noise? I don't mean to bother you... But how can you have nothing to say? I've tried so hard, but feel like I'm failing. I'm only praying out of habit to pray. Do I dare to call you "savior" when it feels like my own strength is what got me here? You can calm a storm, raise the dead, wash away Hell, my daily bread. I'm just asking that you draw me near. I'm afraid of why I can't hear you. I'm afraid that my voice is fading from signal to noise.
Fuck It 01:36
Fuck it, I'm not going to try. I've been trying so hard I think I might die. But nothing's working out. I've got nothing left but doubt. And I don't think that I can keep doing this to myself. I feel like I'm going to cry. And I just can't seem to do anything right. It's all going wrong like it's done all along. And I keep on wishing I could be anywhere else. Life's a pile-up of good and bad until you start weighing all of the bad that you have. It piles up uneven, the good stuff just weighs more. I miss the passion that was in my eyes, when the cares of the world were not all mine. That's the problem with looking back, nothing will ever be what it was before. So fuck it, I'm not going to try. I've been trying so hard I think I might die. But nothing's working out. I've got nothing left but doubt. And I don't think that I can keep doing this to myself. So fuck it, I'm not going to try.
Transience 02:54
I'm more or less a total mess of contradictions and I guess that's how it's going to stay. I'm pretty much a package deal of morphic fields and combo meals, and nothing much to say. Nothing much to say. But I'll say it anyway. I'll scream until I pray then I'll cast it all away. I'll cast it all away. Live to run another day. Hoping everything will be okay. It's all gonna be okay. I'll be dancing on my grave before anyone can think to say a eulogy. No need to carry on that way. I'm sure Jesus can still save whatever's left of me. I'm afraid I might not be staying long. I'm lost and I can't find a map. My instincts are all total crap. My gut's got shit for brains. I've faith enough to doubt myself. Hope enough to ask for help. Love to kill the pain. These three things remain. I don't deserve much anyway. I'll stay until I stray then I'll throw it all away. I'm afraid that's just my way. Live to die another day. Hoping it will all still be okay. It might just work out okay. I'll be spitting on my grave before anyone can think to sing a melody. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. Jesus, isn't there something else still left for me? I think I'd like to stay a little while.
I've said goodbye this way enough that I know what to say. That doesn't make the news easier to take. That doesn't mean that my heart won't still break. That doesn't mean I don't want answers to questions it's best not to ask or excuse anything that took place. It just means that I'm tired of praying for grace. You took away a piece of me and you made me cry. Because I guess I looked up to you. And I don't understand how anybody could ever choose that way to die. Patrick, what did you do? What the hell went wrong with you and where did you even get that gun? Nobody should ever use a bullet to turn tail and run. You don't turn your back on your family. You don't turn on your kin. You suck it up and show forgiveness even for the stupidest of sins. If you were still here, I'd give you an ear-full but you're dead and I must let it go. So I'm sorry for how life hurt you. And I never will ever desert you. And I guess that's all I wish you would have known.
You were born south of Savannah and your parents didn't plan you. They both thought they had moved there to retire. So your daddy drove a truck a little while. Felt stuck a little while but learned to smile through the muck and the mire. The whole world saw right through us when you met me in St. Louis and the wedding happened almost overnight. I knew that you weren't just a pretty face. You were sent here by God's grace and I'd be a fool to just let you pass me by. Don't ever pass me by. When you look into my eyes I know everything will be alright. As long as I've got you close I've got what matters most. I sing you stupid love songs and that doesn't pay the bills. I ain't got a retirement plan, I guess I never will. But you always sing along and that makes me feel so strong. You make my raging heart feel so calm and still. I worry so much and often that I think I'll lose my mind. You say that money doesn't matter much we'll get along just fine. Then you hit me with that smile. I feel good a little while and go to bed humming "Wonderful Tonight." You're wonderful tonight. When you look into my eyes I know everything will be alright. As long as I've got you close I've got what matters most. From day one everyone said that we were taking things a little bit too quick. But as long as I can get old with you, I really don't care if we make everybody else sick. Sometimes you just know. Sometimes you just know, and I guess I know. As long as I've got you close I've got what matters most. They all called us unlikely and said you never should've liked me. When I'm weak, I sometimes wonder if that latter part is right. But I know we'll make it work. Through joys and through hurt. I'm proud to give you the best years of my life. The best years of my life. Now look into my eyes and know everything will be alright. As long as I've got you close I've got what matters most.
It's been too long. You've changed your hair, haven't you? Still hanging out with the same crowd... Still chasing after the same truth... I've heard a lot of stories. Some don't paint you so beautifully. I've seen a lot of pictures. Sometimes you even look happy. Your everything is wonderful. All your dreams' been fulfilled. Every prayer, God's answered... Or at least He soon will. Your friends are good to you even when you're not behaving yourself. Must be pretty amazing not to want for anything else. You and your perfect life... Yeah, okay, so I'm still thinking it. Yeah, okay, so I'm still wishing it. Should've done something years ago. I should've told you. Now you've made all the money and I hear you fell in love again. Me? I'm pretty much the same on the outside looking in. You and your perfect life...


So… Here we are again...
It’s less than a year since my last solo release. Less than six months. Oops.

This album is titled “Something to look forward to…” Credit for that unwittingly goes to my friend and roommate Jeremy Weed who told me he’d gotten me a gift at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame while I was working on it. He said he “thought you could use something to look forward to.” As it happened, I was working on this (in secret) at the time and still needed a name. So I took that. Jeremy owed me...I named his Fantasy Football team.

Some of these songs are long-standing leftovers that finally have a home. But, many of them were written during and after the “Ink-Stained Fingers” sessions were complete. All of them mean something to me. A lot of them shouldn’t be played in front of your toddlers. I think the vocals are better on this one. I quit smoking.

October 6, 2014


released October 16, 2014

I played everything.


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Derek Brink St Louis, Missouri

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