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Recorded in one take, just guitar and vocal. I liked how raw it ended up feeling, so I'm sharing it. It's rough and if I were to put it on an album (and maybe I will--if so this version will come down at that time), I'd clean it up a little and probably have a couple more instruments there, but for now this is fine.
This is a song that started out as a poem I posted on Facebook and my blog. It was written during a time of extreme doubt in God's intervention in my life. Not so much from an atheist point of view, just of one that no longer thinks God actively cares what happens to me. It's best summarized by something I've said elsewhere, "If he wants me, he knows where to find me. If not, that's his choice. We're not speaking at the moment. He knows what he did."
When I sat down and wrote the music, it came out kind of Irish. Because of course it was going to.
No one can ever be sure.
It seems doubt is all we were made for.
But if doubt hits a drought
there's no need to pout.
If we're out, I can always make more.
I've doubts in amounts no one can ignore.
But You've heard this all before.
I'm tired of losing.
I'm tired of loss,
and all that You've taken from me.
You want my prayers?
I want fucking answers.
I want something I can believe.
I've tried to hold up my end,
but it feels like I've been dragging Yours.
It's not that I don't believe in You,
it's that I can't carry much more.
The thing about doubt
is you first must have faith.
That's the only way it works.
I've got faith enough to call Your bluff.
Why must everything hurt?
Live long enough and everything hurts.
If You test my faith,
expect spit in Your face.
Not every test benefits You.
You want my worship?
I want my life back.
What are You trying to prove?
There are those who say
that the one true way
is to turn to You in prayer.
But I've folded my hands 'til they've bled
and every word that I've said
seemed to vanish into thin air.
They say there's nothing I can't say to You
because You always understand.
But who do I turn to when God's not enough
and I need human hands?
When I reach out, where are YOUR hands?
I know it won't ever be easy.
You didn't promise to use a light touch.
The only promise You made
comes after the grave.
And after this, You OWE me that much.
But when I face my end,
can I call You my friend
and trust that You will do the same?
I don't want to die still wondering
if You ever knew my name.
released September 1, 2019
I wrote it and played it and sang it. Surprisingly, that's not an acoustic guitar. It's an American Telecaster with some reverb. I think it sounds more acoustic because the vocal microphone was picking up my strumming.