What I'm Dying For

from by Derek Brink

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about

In line with what I said about "Everybody Shut Up," I didn't fully abandon the idea of doing some songs I'd done in other bands. "What I'm Dying For" was something I wrote and performed in The Social Gospel and I think also Blue Tattoo (both with my brother Dave). It's one of those songs where I finally felt like I'd hit my stride as to what I "should" be writing for that band...and then the band broke up. Ahem. But I liked the song and always knew I'd play it elsewhere. So here it is.

This is a song about discontentment. When I suddenly found myself staring down my 30s (and now seeing signs on the road ahead directing me to my 40s) I took stock of who and where I was in life. I'd thought I was going into ministry. Imagined I'd have the wife and kid and all that bullshit they tell you that you need to be happy. And I got angry for a very long time. I felt like I was slowly burning out and marching to the grave...and for what? I didn't know. Clock in, clock out...still angry...

There are no real answers in this song either. I've found them personally, don't worry. But sometimes describing the struggle is more important than writing a happy ending. That's why the movie puts the happy part at the end...it isn't the interesting part.

The line, "All I do anymore is suck up--shut the fuck up--like it doesn't matter" is one of my favorite lines I've written. The word "fuck" is integral to the rhyme scheme. You don't get that a lot.

This one was hard to mix. It went through about a dozen arrangements until I was happy with the final sound. And even so, could it have used more bass? Less background vocals? I don't know. I just like it. Listening to this one over time made me realize how influenced I've become by Bob Mould (formerly of Husker Du). The "hard" side of what I write probably owes more to him than to anyone else at this point. So props to Bob, is what I'm saying here.

lyrics

I remember when
I was going to do something with this life
and help some other people.
Now all I do is punch the clock,
punch some buttons, and punch out.
Get in the car...punch the steering wheel…

I don’t want this anymore.
Where’s the nearest exit?
I’m walking out the door.

‘Cause I don’t even know
what I’m dying for.
I don’t even know what I’m dying for.
I don’t even know
what I’m dying for anymore.

This world will take a man’s joy from him,
make a monster of him…
While he gets older and fatter.
Seems all I do anymore is suck up,
shut the fuck up like it doesn’t matter.
I just want it to matter.

I can’t take this anymore.
Where’s the nearest exit?
I’m walking out the door.

‘Cause I don’t even know
what I’m dying for. (etc.)

If this is all there is,
then how can I forgive
myself for turning into this?

‘Cause I don’t even know
what I’m dying for. (etc.)

credits

from It Could Be Worse, released May 18, 2018

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Derek Brink St Louis, Missouri

Derek Brink is a musician from St. Louis, MO. He offers all of his music for the low cost of absolutely FREE. Just put $0.00 in the box after clicking "Buy." For those who are generous, you may pay any amount you wish with Derek's thanks--but you are not obligated to do so. Thanks, and come back for more, any time! ... more

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