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Denouement

from Happy Now? by Derek Brink

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about

This song is deeply important to me. I'm not sure I'm even going to be able to do it justice in writing this summary. Ideally this is another one where I'd go line-by-line and explain every word, because that's the most effective way to do it...but that would take forever. So we're getting what we're getting here, I guess...

The lyrics of this song are as close as I will ever get to being able to explain to people what my complete theological and personal breakdown was like in 2019. This is the closest I will ever get to being able to explain what it's like to live with depression but also find hope through God in music, even though you aren't sure if He's singing anymore. It's the closest I'll be able to get to explaining what I wrote in the liner notes of my very first solo record "Grounds..." "Nada Brahma--the SOUND is God." ...but what if music doesn't work this time?

In 2019 I hit an all-time low. So bad people could see it just looking at me. So depressed, broken, and miserable that people were actively telling me what they thought I should do to feel better, like it was any of their fucking business. The most poignantly yet unintentionally hurtful thing anyone said to me during it was, "Are you feeling better yet?" And I wanted to reply, "IT'S NOT A FUCKING COLD." Instead I wrote this.

In that time, several people reached out to me in the right ways. The first person to do so was my friend Becky. She's outright NAMED in this song--in this case it wasn't just a name I picked from my phone. The Becky named in this song is absolutely a real person who made a personal, real gesture to me that meant a lot. She sent me a simple message on August 26, 2019 saying, "...I just wanted to say that whatever is going on, I hope it gets better and I'm always here if you need to chat." She was the first one to say anything. She even beat my *family* to it--although they were hot on her heels. I produced some music in the immediate aftermath of that time. Becky listened to "A Prayer in Faithlessness" and in part said, "If you're not ready for talking, keep writing and singing out the pain. To me, music is a great healer of pain!"

Becky's chats and messages are all over this song. Because they're the closest thing I had to a theology at the time. In fact I think the ideas in the lyrics of this song may be the closest thing I've EVER had to a theology, long before Becky echoed it. The SOUND is God...but what if the sound doesn't work? I'll still sing this way...forever...lost in the floodlights...they feel like home...etc...

This song might be the most personal look behind the curtain I've ever given. But you'll have to cut through some metaphor to see it.

There was no question that this would be the last track on the album. I couldn't top it. I hope some of you get it. And thanks again, Becky. I'll keep singing. I promise.

lyrics

(I. DESPAIR)
Faith.
I've had faith.
No mountains moved.
No fear disproved.
Yet seeking a deeper truth.

Doubt.
That's what it's all about.
No doubt, no faith.
No saving grace.
No need in the first place.

"Are you feeling better yet?”
“Why aren’t you feeling better yet?”

Hope.
Floats like a ghost.
You can’t be sure.
There is no cure
for experience.

Trust...
Only if I must.
Empty words.
It’s so absurd.
Platitudes fail me.

"Are you feeling better yet?”
“Why aren’t you feeling better yet?”

God
stops being God
The moment you have to go it alone a while.

"Are you feeling better yet?”
“Why aren’t you feeling better yet?”

I’ll let you know if I want to.

-----------

(II. PRAYER)
Hear me, answer me, don't you ignore me.
I'm starting to think you never knew me.
You never talk to me. Did you ever talk to me?
You either listen or I'll shut my mouth.

Humming a new song about what's happening.
Nobody notices, no one listens that close.
Becky told me to keep on singing.
It's the only thing I know.

Fall back on the same old verses.
I hear it all again and again.
Turn up the volume so everyone hears it.
Give another record a spin.

But I'm scared of what the silence finds.
It feels so much worse this time.
It feels so much worse this time.

What if there's no rhythm for the sacred rhyme?
What if music doesn't work this time?
What if music doesn't work this time?

Hold me closely, say you know me.
Listen or at least explain things to me.
It's your turn to reach out to me.
I'm tired of being in this alone.

Fall back on the same old nonsense,
I scream my lungs out again and again.
No crying and no more laughing, now.
Plug another instrument in.

But I'm scared of what the silence finds.
It feels so much worse this time.
It feels so much worse this time.

What if there's no rhythm for the savage rhyme?
What if music doesn't work this time?
What if music doesn't work this time?

------------

(III. FLOODLIGHTS)
Don’t tell me how to do this.
This isn’t my first time to the show.
I’ve been lost in the floodlights
For so long they feel like home.
I’ll find my own denouement
when the song is over.
But I have all these loose threads to pull on.
The story needs some closure.
(It’s getting closer.)

I don’t want to stay here,
hot in the limelight.
I didn’t expect standing room only.
I didn’t read the marquee sign.
But I can’t leave here.
Not till the curtain falls.
There’s no fat lady singing.
All I hear is the echo off the walls.

God is the sound.
The sound is God.
We will sing this way forever.
No rest to be found.
No one applauds.
We will sing this way forever.

Are you feeling better yet?

credits

from Happy Now?, released May 29, 2021

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Derek Brink St Louis, Missouri

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